A Logical Conclusion

This whole thing really doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things, but I feel compelled to write it out anyway. In my previous post, I speculated that perhaps my co-worker lied to me. My co-worker knows that I have a massive crush on a guy who works in a different department than ours. My co-worker has recently told me that this guy blatantly lied to me about having a girlfriend. You see, I asked this guy out for a drink, and he told me he has a g/f. According to my co-worker, that was one big, fat lie. Well, tonight, I spoke to a person who I actually trust. Another person who works in the store, who knows everybody. This person asked my crush if he has a g/f, and my crush said yes. So, my co-worker is the one who blatantly lied to me. He doesn't really know my crush, yet he just made up this lie about him, and spread that lie to me. It's not like I benefit from this; the fact is that my crush has a g/f. My point is that I'm glad to now know that he didn't lie to me. Namaste.

Highly Illogical

About a month ago, I took a chance at work. A younger guy, who I've had a crush on for over two years now, came back from another part of Missouri to work at my store again. I felt exhilarated that he was back. I just love looking at him. I also kind of felt like, "Oh, crap, now I have to deal with these silly feelings all over again. He's probably never even noticed me." Well, after working up a great amount of courage, I started making polite chit chat here and there with him. Then, as I said, about a month ago I walked up to him and asked him if he'd like to go out for a drink sometime. He looked surprised, and quickly said, "Actually, I have a girlfriend, but thanks." I was disappointed, but it's not like it made my attraction to him go away. I would keep finding excuses to go back to his department, just because I like looking at him. Pretty harmless, really. My co-workers have all been very aware of all this. Exactly one week ago today, they told me that I need to forget about him, because they found that he had lied to me about having a girlfriend. They're claiming that he blabbed to someone in our department that he blatantly lied. That's what the official word around the campfire is. I instantaneously felt very hurt, and unattractive to boot. But did I stop thinking about it all? No, of course not. Life is not that easy, at least not for me. It's like being under a spell; the spell has to run its course. I'm also a classic overthinker, so I've been trying to analyze this for the past week. First of all, this is all second and third hand information. I don't actually know that this is the truth. The only way that I could find is to go directly to the source (my crush) and ask him if it's true. I'm choosing to not do that, obviously. It just doesn't really seem like a great idea. Secondly, this whole ordeal doesn't make sense to me. If he, being put on the spot, just lied and said, "I have a girlfriend," that would imply that he doesn't want to go out for a drink with me and wants to spare my feelings. That's really not so bad; I know I've done that to guys before. I haven't done that in the workplace, though, where you really have to keep your mouth shut about something if you don't want the whole store talking about it. Information spreads really quickly where I work. So, it's very contradictory to tell a little white lie in order to spare a girl's feelings, then turn around and blab to her co-worker that you blatantly lied to her. At the end of that equation, my feelings are anything but spared. 

KY Show Reviews

Kristeen Young is one of my favorite singer/songwriter/performers of all time....her and Tori Amos. Kristeen has done a St. Louis Christmas Eve Eve (Dec. 23rd) show two years in a row now, and both have been very bittersweet for me. Last year's show was at Off Broadway, and I had broken up with my ex of seven years in September. My best friend Mathilda was with me, and he walked in the place with a new girl. Four months after I moved out, he had a new girl. I felt so sick. But I knocked back some rum and cokes, and when Kristeen started playing, I was free and the world was right again. She played several new songs that I had not yet heard, which are now on her 2011 EP V The Volcanic. I even ran into her in the bathroom about an hour before she started the show! She consoled me as I told her about my very uncomfortable situation. I should mention that my ex is the reason I got into her music, so I know that I'm going to see him at every St. Louis show she does from now on. We went to many of her shows when we were together. The show this year was at Cicero's, and I was once again without someone new in my life. He was there with the same girl, plus their four friends who completely took his side and disposed of me. My mother was there with me, but it's just so humiliating to be there knowing that there's this group of people who more or less hate you and are not on your side. I was once again struck with that sick feeling, one that I had to kill with 4 glasses of wine and 3 beers. Luckily, my mother drove. But as with last year, I felt free and good again once she started playing. She opened with one brand new, never-before-heard song, and the rest were nothing short of rocking my fucking face off. I sang heartily along with every song after that first one. I simply could not contain it. Everything ended up being just fine, and I even said hello to my ex's girlfriend when I ran into her in the bathroom! It's amazing how much alcohol loosens a person up. I don't know if I'll still be single at next year's show (assuming that, hopefully, there will be one). I hope I'm not, but I very well could be. I will deal with it, though, and try not to care about those people being around. Those people who think it's a good idea to get drunk and call me up at 1:30 am on a Saturday. Yes, this actually happened at the beginning of November. But did any of them have the decency to say hello to me at the show? No. Once again, it's pretty much a never-ending barrage of assholes that move in and out of your life. I'm better off, but it's very hard to remember that when you're out in a bar with nobody except your mother. I'm extremely grateful that she was there, though. I'm grateful that the whole thing happened.

Life Is Full Of Assholes

I have given up hope on someone that I've rather disliked for quite some time now. My friend's cousin always seemed cool to me, because he's hung out with Marilyn Manson and some other famous rockers that I can't remember now. The very first time I met this guy, I could just tell that he has a major chip on his shoulder. I asked my friend's cousin how he had gotten to hang out with these legendary rock stars (and I asked in a normal, polite way). His way of telling me that he's a journalist was simply defensive and kind of rude. I don't know why he thought I was being a dick to him, because I wasn't. Perception is a very funny thing. Anyhow, that was in January of this year (2011), and every time I've been around him since then has just been trying. I don't know what his problem is...if it's me personally, if he's like that towards a lot of other people...I just don't know. I've been commenting on various things that post to his Facebook wall for the past year, and today it all came to a head. I made a comment about how I like Seth MacFarlane's album that was released in September, and this asshole censored me from his wall posts. Why not just delete me altogether? How did I do something to justify him taking that action against me? I know it's just Facebook, but in a way it goes deeper than that. He's been rude to me in person many other times, and today I just decided that enough is enough and so I deleted him. We don't need to play pretend "friends" on a social network website. I think he immediately summed me up as being less intelligent than him and he disapproves of me because I have different taste than him. It's amazing how many people are like that, but that's life. I have decided in the past that I didn't want to associate with certain people for reasons that they really couldn't help, in a way. It's kind of cruel, but you do have to choose who your friends are. I guess if I want to still occasionally see my friend, then I'm probably going to have to see his cousin. There have many people throughout my life that didn't like me, that don't like me presently, and there will plenty more to come. It's just part of life, and life will go on anyway.